When Scandinavia's Greatest Sailor Wanted to Make Friends

This is a tale about the most powerful of forces; friendship. None can stand in its way. If the numerous movies, books, and sloppily constructed anime ( *cough* Fairy Tale *cough*) have taught me anything, is that nothing is stronger and more powerful than friendship and that includes any and all plot. I must admit, your cynical Provisser did not believe in the power of friendship until I came across this most heart-warming story. It'll be a short one, so sit back, cuddle with your best friend if you aren't alone, and if you are then listen to a story about the love and care that you so clearly lack in your life.

Peter Jansen Wessel Tordenskiold was a Norweigan born nobleman and sailor who served in the Dano-Norweigan army in the 18th Century. He was the 14th child out of 18 and when he was incredibly young he ran away to sea to live a life of a sailor in the Dano-Norweigan army. Denmark and Norway had been united since the 16th Century, with Denmark being the dominant country. He was a thoroughly uncontrollable child and often fought others. At the time, it was very common for a Norweigan youth to try and enlist in the navy, but for some reason, Wessel was rejected as a cadet candidate. This did not deter the young Norweigan and he spent the next three years working on merchants ships. By the time he was twenty, he had finally been accepted into the navy with more experience than any cadet ever had. Over the course of the next ten years he would rise rapidly through the ranks: After a year of service he was second-in-command of a frigate and a year later he had command of his own 20-gun frigate. His military skill proved to be one of his only redeeming qualities. He was impulsive, arrogant, and he was non-too popular among other seadogs. But even this man was able to find a friend (what is wrong with you?) in the most unlikely of places.

At the time of his promotion, Russia, Saxony-Poland as well as Denmark-Norway were involved in a war with Sweden known as the Great Northern War and was an attempt to challenge Swedish domination in the Baltic Sea. Wessel made a name for himself when he began randomly attacking Swedish ships and constantly evading capture. Eventually, the Swedes placed a price on his head which only inflated his ego and led to him becoming more reckless and impulsive with his attacks, often earning him the wrath of his superiors. But he was too much of an alpha male to care. He openly mocked the Swedes and sometimes his superiors, sending them both letters chiding them on their ineptitude.

What a lovely man.

His true show of greatness, however, came on the 26th of July 1714. Wessel sailed with his ship Lovendals Gallej disguised as a Dutch frigate, searching for more Swedish ships. At the same time, a Swedish ship named De Olbing Galley was disguised as a British ship and was captained by a British man named Bactmann. The two ships inevitably ran into each other, as was destined, released who they each were, and engaged in an epic 14-hour battle. At the end of the 14-hour battle, Wessel's ship had sustained massive damage and had run out of ammo. He called for a ceasefire, and went on a rowboat and sailed towards Bactmann's boat. As bold as brass, Wessel thanked Bactmann personally for an excellent duel and asked to borrow some ammunition so that they may continue their fight.

The balls on that man were bigger and heavier than any ammunition Bactmann could have possibly provided. And I mean, it was not like it was an unreasonable request, Wessel would be returning the borrowed ammo very soon.

Bactmann graciously declined his request and proposed something else instead. The two ships came together, crew and crew, captain and captain, and toasted to each others' health.

After the party, the two gentlemanly captains agreed to sail in opposite directions, and for a few brief hours, Wessel had made a true friend.

Wessel was obviously severely punished and court-martialed, but was acquitted and then promoted almost immediately after. You gotta respect the balls on that man. By the end of the war, Wessel was knighted and he became known as Tordenskjold which translates to "Thunder Shield". Thus, the first Chad Thundercock was born. He had many victories to his name and was the absolute bane of the Swedish fleet. He died how he lived, in defense of another friend during an illegal duel in Denmark. There was a great disturbance in the Force, and Bactmann was never the same again.

Thus ends a true tale of friendship and a man who just didn't know how to leave well enough alone. The only thing more powerful than friendship is a military-grade rapier. Apparently.

The end.