PERSONAL: A Fear of The Future

This new decade has marked a new chapter of my life. I'm leaving my teenage years behind and I am looking at the long wonderful road of adulthood ahead.

To be honest, I wasn't fussed.

It did not occur to me, how much can change in a few years. I still remember high school as if it was yesterday, when in fact it was three years ago. Not that long for some of you, but believe me, it was like I was smacked by a ton of bricks when it clicked a few days ago. So much had happened in such a relatively small space of time. I finished high school, I got accepted into university, I published my first couple of articles, I traveled, I worked, I bled, I cried, I made new friends that have quickly become like family. I discovered more and more about myself and the world that I could barely recognize who I was or what I was becoming. All that, in the space of three years.

Such a large and important part of my life was now very much behind me and it was not that mind-blowing when I first thought about it. I remember the moment clearly; I was lying on my bed at university last year, and I remember thinking, "Huh, I'm in third year next year. Weird." And that was it. That was the three seconds and half a brain cell I expended on the thought. Never mind that my twentieth birthday was fast approaching, a new decade and a new chapter, and I was more concerned about how I was going to watch my anime and my series with the astoundingly shit internet that I had at the time. The import of such a new start did not hit me until a week ago at my cousins' tenth birthday party. I'm sure you have now recognized the theme of "a life in decades" without me constantly copy-pasting the word "decades" into every single line of writing so I trust that the point has come across. Ten-years-old, and I remember picking them up and tickling them when they were five and that seemed not so long ago. It disturbed me, but I took it in stride. The real bombshell hit when my mother and my aunt were discussing what could be in store for the family in the next ten years. I was reading at the table and wasn't paying too much attention to the conversation until my mother looked me, smirked and said, "Who knows? Within the next ten years, I might be a grandmother."

I choked on my orange juice.

Obviously, my mother thought this was the absolute pinnacle of comedy and almost wet herself. Between my spluttering and the numerous wipings of my chin, I asked what on earth was she talking about? She rolled her eyes as if it was obvious. "Shay, in ten years you will be thirty and Morgan will be turning twenty-seven. There is a chance that you both could be having children." Honestly, the thought scared the absolute crap out of me. Since that day, I have been having an existential crisis, and yesterday it only got worse.

My boss arrived at work, doing the routine check-up, asking how we are and if we are happy. In general, he was just being a good boss. He stayed for a while and we chatted about his fiance and his upcoming marriage (it must be said that he did not stop smiling the entire conversation) and somehow we got onto the topic of his age and he promptly said, "Yeah, I'm turning 29 this year." It was as if the gears in my mind suddenly stopped turning. They did not fall out of each other's grip, they simply stopped turning. After he left, I turned to my colleagues and said, "Isn't 29 a bit young?" Now, you must understand, I did not realize the stupidity of the question. I was nervous and panicking slightly, as I slowly began to realize that my notion of time was being changed. My colleagues looked highly amused. One said, "I was married by 29." Another one, smirking all the way through, casually told me that she was married at twenty-six. The last colleague looked away from his computer and said, "I was married by 23."

Oh for fuck's sake that is just ridiculous. At that moment, my perception of time changed utterly and my panic was full-blown. Married by twenty-three? I pictured myself happily married, with a job and thoughts of a family. Then I pictured myself having that life, in three years and my mind simply could not comprehend it. I could barely spread butter on my sandwiches and it takes immense concentration not to trip the electricity when I'm ironing my uniform. I started putting those three years into context; in two years, my degree would be finished, leaving me with just a year to find someone and settle down. Having that life seemed impossible. And it was a downward spiral from there.

I started comparing my life to those around me and it was mainly focused on relationships. By twenty, I pictured myself with a girlfriend, with a great job in journalism and slowly planning my life. Now that I am twenty and I see myself sitting in my undies slowly having a very early mid-life crisis, you can imagine my consternation. And that is exactly the problem, my anxiety. Because last night, while feeling very sorry for myself and oh so woe-is-me-Desdemona I realized something. It would be very easy for me to get my driver's license and have a bit of freedom, it would be very easy for me to go out with my friends and have some fun and then I would be in the position to meet someone. If only I could take matters into my own hands, and change my life so that I can have a nice job and a family one day. It seems so easy, so why couldn't I do it? And something deep within me finally clicked and I arrived at my answer:

I am absolutely terrified of living.

I am terrified of my life changing so quickly, so suddenly and so very much out of my control. I am terrified to go out there and do those things because suddenly it seems like I won't get the opportunity because life has something different in store for me. It is so simple but so very inescapable. I pictured myself having that perfect life, but felt under pressure to achieve that life in a space of time that felt absolutely impossible. I expressed my fears to my father and he smiled knowingly and said that everyone feels this way. He laughed and said "At 21, I did not think that I would have a child nor did I think that I would have my second at 25. There are things in life that are unexpected and that you cannot control, and that's what makes life so exciting."

"You are only making me more terrified Dad."

"But that's a choice. There are two kinds of people in the world; people who plan their life around excitement and plan for the future, and those that plan it out of fear and of their past. There are people who find the unpredictably of life exciting and who cannot wait for what is in store. Then there are those, like you, who are simply terrified. You cannot control everything that happens. As I said, I would never have pictured myself having two children at 25, but I would never go back and change it."

I always loved talking to my Dad. I remind myself daily that I am extremely lucky to have someone like him in my life. But for possibly the first time in my life, one of his talks did not make me feel better. I was too preoccupied with the perfect life that I wanted and the irrational belief that I only had a short amount of time to get that life, simply because the people around me had done so. I see now that that way of thinking was a mistake, but it is very hard not to compare your success to others. Success is all relative. Owning your first house at 40 is still a success, owning a really nice car at 50 is still a success, finally being happy and content with your life and all you have done at 60 is still a success. Don't let the people who had the house by thirty, the car by thirty-five and the happiness by thirty-five-and-one-month get you down.

I am still terrified of living. But it is a fear that I can learn to live with. I am not using the people in my life as a benchmark but as a goal. A goal that I will achieve in my own time. Yes, life is unpredictable and your entire world can change minutes from now, but why waste energy worrying about it? Your life could be very different from the way you pictured it and that is not a good thing or a bad thing, it is simply life. Your life could be absolutely horrible compared to the way you pictured it, but it could also be more wonderful and complete than you ever imagined.

Is that alone not worth it?